elisgalpal: created by me (Alex and Scott Old Photo)
elisgalpal ([personal profile] elisgalpal) wrote2011-08-19 02:11 am

Fic: Unapologize, (Steve/Danno, PG-13, 1/1)

Title: "Unapologize"
Author: [livejournal.com profile] weakmoments
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Parings/Characters: Steve/Danno
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 4,000
Disclaimer: I in no way own any part of Hawaii Five-0
Warnings/Spoilers: Takes place a year after they met...no spoilers because I ignored the last couple of episodes for this one.
Genre: hurt/comfort, angst
Summary: Steve is sad and rambles
Author's Note: I wrote this while listening to the song Unapologize by Carrie Underwood. I don't think there's any real spoilers other than the first few episodes because I wrote it before the end of the season and kind of completely ignored the last few episodes! lol It's a year after Steve and Danny met so it's a year after Steve's dad dies and he's not handling it well at all. Danny wants to help, Steve rambles uncharacteristically to him and then feels the need to apologize...and then unapologize.

Danny Williams was good enough at his job to know that Steve wasn't ever planning on working that day. From the moment he opened his eyes that morning and focused enough to let the date register in his mind he knew Steve would be at home no matter what sort of case might have fallen into their laps. What Danny hadn't counted on was complete silence out of Steve for the entire day. No text, no email, no quick little message saying he was alive but needed the day. There was absolutely nothing from Steve McGarrett to the rest of the team, his friends, his 'ohana...the entire day. That fact of course meant that someone had to make sure he was okay...or as okay as he could be on the anniversary of the day Hesse killed his father while Steve listened on the phone.

Danny was the one that volunteered to go. Or Kono might have volunteered him muttering something about how she wasn't about to visit the boss on a normal day not to mention a day like that. Chin seemed to simply nod in agreement as his cousin spoke so Danny finally agreed it would make more sense for him to go since he was in fact McGarrett's partner. Danny made a mental note to discuss Kono's 'yeah, partners in more way than one, right Danny?' comment she mumbled as they left the office for the day.

The drive to Steve's house seemed to take less time than it ever had but Danny assumed it was simply because he was dreading the moment he would see Steve not certain what kind of shape he would be in. He half thought about looking in the garage first but figured Steve would be out by the water if anywhere. Danny walked through the dark, empty house when he arrived, softly calling out for his partner but heading outside assuming he would see him either in the water or standing next to the water drying off after a swim. What he saw instead stopped Danny in his tracks. Steve was sitting in the sand, fully clothed, completely dry, legs up next to his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around them. Danny watched him a moment trying to regain composure and realizing he would have to be the strong one that night.

He slowly strode to Steve, standing behind him a couple of feet and softly spoke. "Hey."

"Hey." Steve looked out toward the ocean and wasn't sure what more he would be able to say. Not knowing what to say was never usually an issue where Danny was concerned considering Williams said enough for the both of them on a daily basis. Steve had enough sense to know today would hurt but until he woke up, he had no idea it would feel like he was literally dying a slow death inside. It had been a full year since his father was killed. A full year had passed him by and his life was completely different which led to thoughts of whether or not his father would even recognize the man he is now...if he had survived. But then if his father had survived Steve knew his life would have gone right back to the way it had been before. He felt them stinging his eyes long before Danny witnessed the tears falling down his cheeks and Steve prayed like hell Danny would let it go.

"Steve" he said softly and wanted nothing more than to make the pain go away for his partner...his friend.

"No. Don't."

Danny noticed that Steve tilted his head and although Danny couldn't clearly see his face he knew what face it was. That face was definitely the 'do not speak to me right now because I just might fall apart on you and I do not want to' look. He had only witnessed that face a time or two but it was a face that killed him inside. Danny took a deep breath and he was going to go into this long explanation about how it would help if Steve talked about it or let it out somehow. But then Danny realized that was not how Steve worked and he couldn't push him. He had known the man a year and in that year there wasn't much rambling done on Steve's part. "I just..."

"I said don't Danny." Steve sniffled, slowly stood and walked to the water, standing close enough so that it washed over his feet. He felt Danny's presence close behind him and sighed. "Damn it Danny."

"Steve, I don't want to push you at all and I don't want to sound like an inconsiderate ass asking you questions but I might anyway because I know it will help. Talking helps. You should know I hold firm to that philosophy and you've listened to me enough times since we've known each other even when you probably didn't want to listen. Let me be that for you. Let me be a sounding board so this does not eat you alive." Danny put his hand on Steve's lower back and stood beside him, remaining silent until Steve found the courage to speak, if he ever did.

Steve took a few deep breaths and tried to speak but his mind was so jumbled that he had no idea where to even start. Steve envied Danny in that moment because he knew the other man would just start talking and whatever words flew out of his mouth, well, they were out there in the universe and Danny was better for it for whatever reason. Steve was better with conversations that were more to the point, concise, all that rambling would never work. The rambling just couldn't work. Lieutenant Commander Steven McGarrett took a deep breath and released it in a long defeated sigh. "Fine."

"Fine?" Danny wasn't certain he heard Steve correctly.

"Do you really want to know what is going on in my head right now?" Steve turned and looked at Danny waiting for his answer.

"Yes, I honestly think it would help and I am not going to judge if that's what you're worried about." He noticed a change in Steve's face so Danny added "I can tell you are trying your damnedest to figure out what you should say or shouldn't say or whether or not it will make sense. That doesn't matter to me Steve. I'll know what you're saying. I know you and I'll know what you're trying to say."

More tears fell and he let it all go. "I miss him. I hadn't been around and now I hate that I wasn't here. But I never learned how to be here. To be anywhere. I know how to run. I know how to escape. I learned hundreds of different escape tactics and survival techniques as a SEAL. I know how to protect other people. I know how to save other people. I can kill in any number of ways." He took a breath and released it slowly, looking away from Danny and out over the water once more, sighing as Danny again put his hand on Steve's back. "I can do all of that but what did that get me as a son? I was a shitty son Danny. He wasn't the greatest father but he did the best he could with what he had and what he knew. He didn't really teach me how to be a kid. That was Mom and then she was gone. They're gone Danny. And I sent Mary away the same damn way my father did. God, am I my father? Will I ever learn any of what I want to know? What I want to feel? Hell Danny, this is killing me trying to just let it go and say all of this to you. I don't know how to do any of this."

Danny slowly rubbed his hand across Steve's back to soothe him, to help him somehow. "You do. You're doing just fine with this Steve."

Steve turned, looked at Danny and found himself overcome with emotion. And it terrified him. Steve was not a man that often found himself terrified but in those rare occasions it never seemed to end well and he wasn't certain this could be any different. "You."

"Me?" Danny shoved his hands in his pockets while trying to understand what Steve was trying to say.

"I'm out here like this, with tears Danny, and it's because of you."

"Now I know I didn't do anything to you to...."

"No damn it." He turned and took a few steps away from Danny so he could focus, trying to sort his words somehow so they could make sense because he knew for damn sure these words weren't readily available in his vocabulary. Steve ran his hands through his hair and began to speak. "You. You make me feel."

For possibly the first time in his life Danny Williams didn't need words. He walked to Steve, stood in front of him, grabbed his shirt so he could pull him close and kissed him. Danny kissed him the way he wanted to for as long as Steve had been in his life. He kissed him so Steve could forget his pain for even an instant. Danny kissed him because he had fallen completely and Steve left him speechless. He loosened the grip on Steve's shirt. The kiss had mellowed and they were simply holding on to one another, listening to the other breathe.

Steve took a step away from Danny and watched as his hands fell to his side, a look of confusion across his face. "See, this. Exactly this. You make me feel things Danny. Real, honest to god feelings that I shut myself off to because they...they scare me I guess. I can't lose you. I've lost so much and I can not lose you. You mean so much to me Danny. I didn't know what the hell to think when you showed up in the garage a year ago. But I needed help. I needed you. I still need you so much Danny." He turned, took a few steps away from Danny and then turned back toward him. Eye to eye he knew it had to be said. "I love you. I am in love with you."

Danny stood absolutely still and he was quiet.

He froze. Steve had somehow pulled the words from his heart; let them escape through his mouth and for once in his life Danny was silent. "Damn it. Never mind. I don't. It's not love. It's today. It's messed me up and I dunno. I'm sorry. I'm rambling, I'm not making any sense at all and I'm sorry I said it." He took a few more steps away from Danny and closer to the house. "I have to go. I have to get out of here. I'm sorry Danny. I didn't mean it at all." Steve turned and walked as quickly as he could to the house, walking through with tears falling down his cheeks. Steve grabbed his keys before heading to his truck and as far away from the house, from Danny, and as far away from his heart as he could.

"Well hell" was the only thing Danny could say and that was obviously said too late. Steve was already gone. Slowly, Danny walked to the back door, opened it and as he made his way through Steve's house he kept mumbling how he loved him too thinking that the walls could tell Steve when he returned. He locked the front door behind him as he did with the back door, got in his car and went home hoping Steve would come find him and forget the fact that for once, or twice in his life Danny Williams was speechless.

Last night I was pouring out my heart like a waterfall to you
And with one kiss I was a runaway train
Flying off the track to you.
"I love you" came flooding out
Couldn't make it stop
Couldn't shut my mouth
I felt like a fool, then I lied and said I was sorry, but....

Steve drove around the rest of the night realizing as the sun came up that he had in fact survived a year without his father. It wasn't easy by any means but Steve survived. He survived with the help of his new friends, his work, and his partner. Steve knew he wasn't lying when he told Danny he loved him but when the man that had no idea what the word quiet meant said nothing at all in return it nearly killed him. He finally drove back home and realized he was hoping to see Danny's car. Danny was obviously long gone but Steve smiled when he realized Danny locked the doors as he left the house. Steve left a message at the office and said he wouldn't be in today unless there was an emergency adding that he was fine and just needed a day alone. It didn't occur to him until he hung up that he had spent the day before alone as well but Steve figured they would understand.

"A day alone? He had a day yesterday. He had half a day the day before that."

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" Kono was just about done with Danny's mood the last few days and had hoped his talk with Steve the day before would have helped everything tremendously. Apparently it hadn't.

Danny glared at her and practically stomped to his office the way Grace would while answering Kono with a rather snippy "nothing". He shut the door, closed the blinds and stared at the phone. The rest of the day went from bad to worse. There were no new cases but there was plenty of crap left over from older cases that needed taken care of such as paperwork, calls, and running down various leads. He was never so happy to hear Chin say there wasn't any more they could do at the office and he was heading home with Kono following a few minutes later. Danny grabbed his keys, took the steps as fast as he could and walked to his car. He half expected to see Steve there waiting and was sad when he wasn't. The drive home seemed to take hours and Danny tossed his keys on the counter.

His phone rang and he smiled as he answered. "Hey Monkey!"

"Hi Danno. What are we doing tomorrow?" Grace had called her daddy to find out their plans and Danny felt like a heel because he hadn't figured out anything specifically.

"I'm not sure sweetie but I promise I'll think of something great okay?"
"Can we see Uncle Steve?" She asked quietly.

"Steve? You want to see Steve?"

"Yes." She waited a moment before explaining. "Mommy said he was probably sad because of his daddy being gone and that was where you were yesterday when I tried to call you."

"Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't call back. I got home late. Steve is sad but I'm not sure he will want to see anyone yet. He wasn't at work today because he's still sad." Danny hoped that would be enough to hold her because he was in no way able to talk about Steve.

"Okay." She started talking about dolphins and pink things and Danny tried hard to focus but he kept seeing Steve's face and hearing those words that he knew Steve had fought so hard to keep inside. "I love you Danno. Night."

He shook his head to clear Steve from his mind and said "I love you too Gracie. Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite."

"I've got my shoe!" She said and giggled before ending the call.

Danny laughed and connected his phone to the charger. He walked to the kitchen and grabbed a beer planning on taking it outside with him where he could enjoy the night. He stared at his phone wondering if he should take it with him or if he would even need it considering he hadn't heard a word from Steve since he left the night before. Danny wanted to throw something. Deciding that would be a bad idea, he walked back to the refrigerator and grabbed another beer. "Two is better than one and I won't hit anything."

He was sitting outside at the table, already finished with the first two bottles and realized he had to walk back inside to grab two more because he was in no way tired. His mind was racing and Danny knew he would never be able to sleep. He also hated the feeling of knowing he probably hadn't missed any calls by leaving his phone inside because there'd been no missed calls, no texts, no emails, and no nothing for the last two days.

You know people say a lot of things that they don't really mean
And last night I told a little white lie
Hoping you'd forget the scene...

Steve saw Danny's car and knew he was there but didn't get an answer when he knocked on the door. So he sat down, leaned back against the door and waited. Steve wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there but he was starting to get a cramp in his leg so he stretched out and leaned his head back. It was in that moment when he was all sprawled out and trying desperately to get comfortable that Steve heard Danny's voice.

"What the hell are you doing sitting there?"

"Well that was nice Danny. Sorry to bother you. Let me go back home." Steve started to stand but Danny stopped him cold with his voice.

"No, don't you dare leave again." Danny held out his hand to help Steve and smiled. "I am glad to see you."

"Are you sure?" He asked before accepting the outstretched hand. Danny nodded; Steve grabbed his hand and stood in front of Danny a little closer than he had anticipated.

"I am absolutely positively sure that I am glad to see you Steve." He stepped around the other man and reached for the door but Steve stopped him.

"No, wait. I have to say this and I'm afraid if I don't say it now...immediately...that I never will."

Danny tilted his head as he gazed at Steve and said "Okay, go ahead."

"I lied."

"You lied?" He wasn't sure at all which moment Steve was lying about so he had to ask even though his gut was telling him not to and that the answer might not be the answer he wanted. "You lied about what Steve?"

"My apology. I lied about...lying. What I said. All of it. I meant all of it Danny. How I need you and how you make me feel things. How I can't lose you and how...and how I love you. I lied and told you I was sorry but I'm not. Yes it took me all day to figure out that I was not sorry for anything I said. What I was sorry about though was maybe the fact that you didn't have any sort of response at all after I said everything. And I was scared so I apologized and I ran." He shifted his weight and stood in front of Danny under the light not having any idea how the other man would react.

"Why did you run?"

He took a deep breath and searched for the words that just weren't coming. So he shrugged.

"That's all you've got? A shrug. Not one word of explanation as to why you chose to run instead of waiting for me to process and asking me why I was so quiet?" Danny was going to take full advantage of this new, open, honest Steve as long as he could.

Steve opened his mouth a time or two but again, his words were jumbled and he knew if he spoke there would be something needing an apology. "I don't know Danny. I told you what I told you. You didn't say anything and I left. I haven't ever really known you to be quiet."

"Left?" Danny vehemently shook his head. "No Steven, you ran. You admitted you ran."

He let out a sigh and gave Danny a face he knew he would recognize. "Fine, ran."

Danny laughed. "Are you okay now? Really, honest to god okay?"

Steve smiled warmly at the man standing in front of him. "Yes. Well...better. Thank you Danny."

"For what?"

"Everything. All of this. You listened to me. You helped me. You showed me what it is to work with someone, to need someone. Because of you Danny, I get what it is to be in love. I just still don't know how you feel exactly because you still haven't really said anything."

Danny sighed, closed his eyes and counted to ten. The man did not know at all what words like that could do to Danny...to his heart. He opened his eyes and gazed at Steve. "You had to say that out here? Out here in front of my door where I probably shouldn't grab you and kiss you and tell you that you're a damn fool for not realizing that I've been so stupidly in love with you that it threw me a bit when you finally realized how you feel about me and found the words to tell me?" He took a step toward Steve so they were standing so close he was able to feel Steve's breath on his skin. "You rendered me speechless Steven. If you hadn't run, if I'd had more of a chance to gather my senses you would have heard me say I love you. I said it all through your house when I wanted through on the way to my car so I could go home and sulk."

"Sulk? You sulked?" Steve questioned.

"Yes, I sulked. I was a fool for not saying anything and I didn't know how to fix it. I thought it would be too late because you said you were sorry and you didn't mean any of it."

"But I'm here tonight to tell you I take the apology back." Steve stood as close as he could to Danny without actually touching him.

"Yes, you're unapologizing which you've already said. Now can we please go inside and show each other how we feel instead of using all of these damn words that may or may not exist in a dictionary?" Danny reached out and held on to Steve's arm. He glanced down where they were touching; convinced he might see flames from the heat he felt every single time he touched Steve.

Steve was grinning ear to ear at Danny and replied "yes. We should definitely go inside because I really don't think these people need any kind of show."

"You need to move out of the way so I can get to the door and open it."

Steve took two steps to the left but held on to Danny while he did it. Danny maneuvered his arm loose enough to open the door. "Wait, it was unlocked the whole time?"

"Yes Steve, I was just around there." Danny gestured to where he had been sitting and laughed. "You could have surprised me inside my apartment."

"Yeah, I could have already been naked."

"Just get inside so we can both be naked." The two men walked inside, closed the door behind them and spent the night showing each other exactly how they've felt all along; no apologies and no regrets.

Oh there's no time to be holding it all in
and trying to pretend that I don't feel anything
Oh I shouldn't have said I'm sorry
I unapologize
I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel bout you
I can't unsay what you heard
'Cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight em back or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize....

tis all